- - What A Day - -

I just wondering....It has been three times or perhaps more, I can't remember. Somehow, people just comments on my looks.... Twice, old men comments on my pimple. Then today, an old lady...hmm perhaps in her 40s or early 50s commented on my appearance.

Today, I'm wearing pink...pink top and pink skirt. I don't know why on earth this old lady suddenly talk to me in mandarin. She thought I'm already married with kids!!! She even said I shouldn't wear so low cut, sexy clothes since I've got a husband already!! *????????????????* I'm thinking of correcting her that I'm not married but I changed my mind. I just smile at her and let her rattle on....Thank goodness, not long the bus is coming and that's the end of the conversation...

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being sensitive or what. I usually feels that passersby on the road
look at me when I'm walking. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why they are looking at me like that?? Am I such a weird girl??? Or perhaps, I just attract too much of their attentions...which I don't know whether a positive or negative nature of attention.

After class, we go to Swensen's at Plaza Singapura to celebrate Ris' belated birthday. Her birthday suppose to be on Monday, 28 March. What a great coincidence because 4 of us : me, Vena, Vency and Vie are wearing pink!!! We don't make any arrangement...or what. We just turn up at college....in pink!!! Another thing is.....Mar and Ris are wearing black!! Wow...what a great coincidence.

It's a simple and pleasant celebration. We take some pictures and photo stickers. If you want to take a look...just click at the link...My photos...look for album 30 March 2005 =).

Zero-X ranted @ 10:53 PM ;
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- - Another Day - -

Kind of disappointed I couldn't find you there. I never expect the change of schedule. I Wonder....when will I see you there again.....Missing you. Can you hear me calling???

Yesterday, I forgot to wish my little sister a happy birthday. Wish her today and it's a happy belated birthday.

I think I'm losing my voice soon....

Zero-X ranted @ 6:41 PM ;
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- - Counting The Days as Time Goes By... - -

For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot. I live in constant fear....And I guess I never feel this kind of fear before. Perhaps, I experienced this kind of fear before....but maybe it's long time ago. I can't remember.

I've been studying for the past few days....I just very scared that I can't pass my final exam. Study study study. That's what I've been doing lately. The moment I wake up...I take my book or notes and start studying.

And I don't know what I'm doing....Am I being too hard on myself???? Why can't I just be like my other friends...who relaxing around??? Haizz....I've been telling myself I have no more time to relax!!!! I've got to buck up...and change that F to C. But is it possible???

I guess I just need a little bit of confidence....

Zero-X ranted @ 8:44 PM ;
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- - Down and Blue... - -

Have you ever feel that you are a great loser?? Have you ever feel that when you are down and blue nobody is there?? All that you have is lonely and empty street in front of you...You just want to go home...but you don't even know the way home. The street is so empty that you are haunted by your fear. All those fears that you have within you....All you just want to do is run. But you don't even know where to run.......

And when you fall....is there someone out there who will catch you? Someone who will break your fall? Someone...who just be there for you....

Have you ever try to express and explain yourself...but there isn't right words......When you already explain yourself...will someone understand you?? Perhaps...nobody but yourself. But what happen if you, yourself don't even know yourself. You just drifting away from yourself.
And all you have is an empty body without a soul....Where does that soul fly?? Can somebody tell me?? Perhaps, it fly so far, far away and nobody even knows.... Put it simply, you just losing yourself.

Yes...I guess I'm losing myself.......

Zero-X ranted @ 5:42 PM ;
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- - Another Entry of the day...my thoughts...my feelings.... - -

I've been thinking lately...that I've been longing to have a caring boyfriend since long long time. I see some of my friends are very happy with their boyfriends. Good for them...But, suddenly, I'm having a second thought. I start to think....having a boyfriend is not a big deal....A boyfriend is not everything in this world. I think....friendship is more important rather than boyfriend.

I don't know what makes me change my mind so fast. Perhaps because I see some changes that happen to one of my friends. We used to be hmm close. We can talk about anything under the sun. But since she got a boyfriend, there seems to be a wall between us. There are certain things she just don't want to share with us...her other friends. But, I know....it's her privacy and we shouldn't meddle with it.

Perhaps, I just not used to her sudden changes. Maybe, I will get used to it someday. Or perhaps, I just not ready to have a boyfriend. I think, if I have a boyfriend, I want him to be able to get along with my other friends. But is it possible?? And also, I don't want to have a wall between my other friends.

Actually, I kind of share my thoughts to some of my friends. Some of my friends said this all so natural . The wall is inevitable. Maybe one day, eventually, if I have a boyfriend I want to make sure there is no wall in between. Even if there is, I don't want the wall to be thick.....

By writing this, I don't mean to reject guys. I will certainly accept the guy if he is the right one for me. So far....I'm still waiting. And I will wait patiently. Always....until he appears right in front of me. And when that day come...I guess I will just know it =).

Zero-X ranted @ 9:45 AM ;
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At last our mock exam results is given out....4 subjects actually, so far. What a disappointment!! I thought I had put in effort. More effort compare to the last exam. However, it turns out that my exam grade is just the same!! No different!! What's wrong with me???? What have I been doing for the past few months??? Did I really commit myself totally in my studies??? I don't have to ask...because I know the answers myself......HAiZZZzzzz............

Out of 4...I only pass maths. I know, my results for maths improve tremendously. It's improving two folds. But, I still not very pleased about it. It's not a big deal....The most important thing is to pass all subjects which I'm not!!

I don't want this to be the reason for my grandpa and dad to ask me to go back. Right now, they are in the advantageous position to send me home. But I don't want to!!!! I shall prove to them I can do better and I don't deserve to be send home. Not now...not at this time....perhaps, in 3 years time or so.....

Zero-X ranted @ 9:21 AM ;
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- - Ouchhhh - -

Ouchhh....I twisted my right foot AGAIN!!! I don't know what's wrong with me... I keep twisting my right foot. But this time without wearing heel but slipper instead. I'm already late for the sociology intensive revision lecture for 5 minutes so I walk quickly down the stairs from level 5 to the level 4. Actually, my previous wound already start to dry up. However, due to my clumpsiness, it starts to bleed again!! More blood this time compare to last time.

I already limping when I walk into the lecture theatre. I'm busy cleaning up the mess...the blood. After I clean the wound sufficiently, I start listening to the lecture. However, somehow I feel very uncomfortable...I'm not feeling well. The pain start to spread to my stomach, kind of a cramp. I feel nauseous and start to have cold sweat. Both of my friends, Vie and Ris tell me that I look very pale. As white as sheet.

I'm thinking of going home....but I try to calm myself down, bear with the pain. Perharps I'm just too excited or something. Slowly the pain subside and I don't look that pale anymore. Fuihhh.... at last can focus back to the lesson.

Hm....but I'm limping when I walk...I guess tomorrow I will not limp anymore.

Zero-X ranted @ 6:25 PM ;
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- - kArNa Ku SaYaNg KaMu - -

Seandainya, kau ada disini denganku
Mungkin ku tak sendiri
Bayanganmu, yang selalu menemaniku
Hiasi malam sepiku
Kuingin bersama dirimu

Ku tak akan pernah, berpaling darimu
Walau kini, kau jauh dariku
Kan slalu kunanti
Karna ku sayang kamu

Hati ini, selalu memanggil namamu
Dengarlah sayangku
Ku berjanji, hanyalah untukmu cintaku
Takkan pernah ada yg lain

Adakah rindu di hatimu
Seperti rindu yang kurasa
Sanggupkah kuterus terlena
Tanpamu disisiku, ku kan slalu menantimu

Walau kini, kau jauh dariku
Kan slalu kunanti
Karna ku sayang kamu
Kan slalu kunanti
Karna ku sayang kamu........

Zero-X ranted @ 8:57 AM ;
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- - Blank BLank bLAnk - -

I wake up early to clean up the house and fix some salad...hmm I don't know what to write actually...but long time never update my blog. So what should I write this time?? I keep having nightmares and strange dreams....I really don't know what does those dreams mean....

Hmm my dad talked to me twice...it's actually about my further education. I don't know why and what but somehow my dad supported my grandpa's idea. They wished I just go back for good, tend a shop and get married eventually. Oh gosh!! I don't know what's happening. But I still decided to go on and further my education. I just not ready to go back for good. Not now!!! Perhaps, in 3 or 4 years time?? I don't know. And I don't want to think about it. I just want to further my studies for time being....

Zero-X ranted @ 9:14 AM ;
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- - Tired - -

Today, I'm going out with some friends from morning till night. There are altogether 5 of us. We went to cineplex to watch hitch.. Nice movie, worth watching. It makes me laugh...Then I watch boogeyman with Vie. Today is Vie's birthday....hmm I guess I should spend my time with her for her birthday. Boogeyman...hmm not really nice movie. The story plot is hmm poor...and the story doesn't flow. I don't really understand the movie.

Very tired and sleepy......

Zero-X ranted @ 10:48 PM ;
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- - Cherished Education - -

I still sleeping soundly when the phone rang at 6 am. Reluctantly, I picked up the phone. It was from my aunty for my cousin. So, I wake my cousin up to pick up the phone. One hour later, another cousin knocked at my bedroom door. Yet again, woke me up. She said my cousin who was talking on the phone just now has been crying...and I knew for sure what had happened needless to ask.

My cousin always want to go overseas to further her studies, yet she can't. The call from my aunty is telling her to go back for good after she completed her diploma studies. What a sad story. It's all because of my grandpa. Our family is extended family...where everybody lives under one roof. Back at my hometown, if you guys visit me at my house, you can meet my uncles, aunties, cousins, grandpa and grandma all living under one roof. There are altogether 23 of us under one roof so far.....

In this 21st century, I think it's like an irony. My grandpa, who is hmm in his 70s, almost 80, still holding the highest authority in our family. He is the one who call the shoot. He makes most of the decision. Everybody in the family, whether his children or grandchildren must listen to him. He is such a dictator. And actually, I don't like the way this thing works. Many times, I don't agree with my grandpa but still I give in to him because it will seem rude to defy him. My grandpa also the one who is very stubborn and always think he is right. It will be very difficult to change his thinking.

Many time I wished, my grandpa doesn't meddle in our lives. However, it's very very hard. Hmm just wondering, when are we going to be free??

As I mentioned earlier in my previous post, I had decided to continue my studies. Thank goodness, so far there is no objection from my grandpa. I should cherished this chance wisely. As for my cousin, I don't know what will happen to her. But I hope, my grandpa will soon change his mind and allow her to continue her studies.

Isn't it such a pity when we already study so hard and yet forced to return to our hometown just to tend a shop??? I think it won't be good. And I object to it totally!!! Hm...maybe one day, I will bring out the rebel in me...........

Zero-X ranted @ 8:59 AM ;
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- - Tell Me Your Dream - -

Today, we have economics extra class...Really a longgg day...from 1oam to 5pm. During the second half, I can't focus anymore....whatever the lecturer says enter my left ear and out through right ear =P.

Hmm just wondering, I keep having nightmares and strange dreams. I don't know what is happening to me and how this happen. Often, the setting of my dream is at my primary school. Hmm what's wrong with my primary school???

Last night, I got hmm strange and unpleasant dream. When I wake up...I feel uneasy. Hmm....just wondering why....I keep having strange dreams...and why most of the time my primary school???

Zero-X ranted @ 5:36 PM ;
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- - Great Day - -

Yesterday, Mar, Vency, Vena, Ris and I went out together for lunch at far east plaza. Such a pity Vie can't join us because she got something on. Anyway, I twisted my right foot when I wear heeled sandal because I walked too quickly. It was quite bad....cos there were some scratches on my foot and it bleed a little bit. Hmm but despite that, it didn't ruined my day with them. We had such a great fun!!!

Hm what else? I bought a pink top from BYSI. Hehehe I thought the colour looked very feminine and suit me to T =).

We also tooked some photos together...at Coffee Bean. Haha just realised something....Most of the time if we hanged out, we always tooked our photos at Coffee Bean!!! It's kind of hmm how to describe it with words....But anyway, we always have fun at Coffee Bean no matter what ( so far... hehehe).

Yup...when I reached home...the pain at my right foot is worsen. But lucky, this morning it's not so bad....

Zero-X ranted @ 9:19 AM ;
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- - I Wish You Enough.... - -

I read this from friendster...a friend of mine posted it. I think this is really nice. So thinking of sharing it with you guys....Here the story goes....

Recently, I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport
as the daughter's departure had been announced. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, "I love you and I wish you enough." The daughter replied, "Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom." They kissed and the daughter left.

The mother walked over to the window where I sat. Standing there, I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, "Did you ever say goodbye to someone knowing it would be forever?" "Yes, I have," I replied. "Forgive me for asking but why is this a forever good-bye?" "I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is the next trip back will before my funeral," she said.

When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, "I wish you enough."May I ask what that means?" She began to smile. "That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone." She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. "When we said 'I wish you enough' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them".Then turning towards me, she shared the following, reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.
I wish you enough helloes to get you through the final good-bye.

She then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them, And an entire life to forget them.

I wish you enough...all of you my friends =).

Zero-X ranted @ 10:17 AM ;
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- - Jia Youu.... - -

Hm second day of exam....so far so good. Tomorrow is economics exam....I don't know what will happen. But I hope everything is going to be alright. I just feel huge relieve after I completed each exam. Cos...the day I'm free is getting closer and closer. At the same time...final exam also coming soon. Hm....so..can't really enjoy myself =(.

I have make up my mind that I'm going to continue my studies. I have enrolled for the next course. I promise myself to study hard!!! No more non sense...!!!! Vina Lee STUDY HARDDDDDDD. LESS PLAY!!!! LESS SLACKINGGGGGGG!!!

Zero-X ranted @ 6:15 PM ;
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